This Darkness
by domino.dice
Summary: Rufus' thoughts moments before the attack of the Diamond WEAPON. Test of characterization, much feedback appreciated.


Yes, I have seen AC. That doesn't mean he didn't think he'd die. First FF7 ficlet, exploring characterizations. There was going to be another scene, but I wanted to get this up before the AC release-induced torrent of fics. Aww... how I heart Rufus. One of the first blondes I've ever liked this much. Wait... I think he is the first. Pales in comparison to Souba-kun's work, but try to enjoy anyway.

oOo

It's silent, this my last moment. It shouldn't be, but it's still and quiet as I see the end, as banal as that sounds. I can still hear the glass falling, can still feel my heart flutter with the massive recoil of the Sister Ray but it's distant and somehow muted. It seems unthinkable, to exist and then simply not, and if course I have no idea what that's like, I feel very much alive, but involuntarily I'm about to find out.

I'm really not ready.

I can't at all fathom how anyone could actually be ready for death. People who claim to have 'lived long enough'... What's that supposed to mean? There's always something that needs to be done, and while death is a form of population control, people accepting or even wanting death is inhuman. It's a waste. I suppose that some lives are a waste no matter how hard they try. They can do whatever they like.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not someone who laughs at death... some is necessary... some is pointless, some is convenient, and some... is devastating. But never is it amusing. I wished to execute two of the Avalanche number, this was necessary. While my father's life was relatively pointless after establishing the ShinRa Company, his death was convenient. Tseng... well. It took everything in me to keep my composure when the news was delivered. I'm not too proud to be able to admit that I almost completely broke down once the secretary left my sight. The last time I saw him, I didn't imagine that I'd never see him alive again... though I also can't believe that in a moment, my own life can vanish.

With the crisis going on, it was especially essential that I maintain my professionalism, so I was a little embarrassed to have Tseng walk in on me sitting cross-legged on my chair with my sleeves rolled up, and my shoes and socks set to the side of my desk. It was certainly unlike me, but my legs were starting to get stiff as I endured my Nth hour of work, and I needed to get creative to get comfortable for any length of time. He only gave me that slight whisper of a smile before setting down a tray on the most available part of my desk. Dinner, yes. Or had it been breakfast? Forgetting that there were times of the day when I needed food was a bad habit of mine. It wasn't usually until Tseng brought me something that I remembered. I'm never sure where he produces it from, though I suspect that he cooks... cooked... it all himself.

'You look surprised sir.'

'I wasn't expecting you.' I sat properly and rolled down my sleeves to do up the cuffs.

'You called me fifteen minutes ago. Regarding the Temple of the Ancients...?'

'Oh, right,' I had shook my head a little. The pills I'd taken earlier to stave off drowsiness were starting to wear off. 'Yeah, head to the Golden Saucer. Reeve has that way of getting the Keystone to you, so I'd like you to retrieve it and bring it back here.'

'Of course, sir.' He paused before beginning again but being a little more familiar. 'Rufus, when did you last get a chance to sleep?'

I didn't bother thinking about when, and I said why. 'Don't remember. I don't have the time.' Doing up my cuffs proved itself to be harder than I had thought it would be going in. 'Hm... does Sephiroth sleep...? He must. Or maybe he used to but doesn't anymore.'

'Like you.' Tseng had said softly, taking my wrist and carefully pinning the cuff links in place. Prudent, without comment. He was like that... not quite classifiable as a gentle soul, but a remarkable one all the same. Thinking back now, I don't remember what else was said. Maybe I never will, yet another thing lost to this crisis. I suppose that I'd been too tired to care, and I haven't slept since then. Truly, it was the last time I'll ever see him. I won't even be able to attend his funeral.

Mine will be closed-casket. Cremated alive.

Tseng was beyond my help. My ailing city wasn't too far gone just yet, so I needed to focus on what could be saved. The other Turks also weren't exactly sacks of nails. I handpicked them well before my presidency. Father always had an excessive guard, but in such cases, it tends to be quality rather than quantity that suits such a situation better. Four unquestionably loyal Turks were far better than a dozen skeptically unenthused ones. Even so, anything I did with them while I had still been VP needed to be conducted in secret. My father was paranoid like that.

I suppose I am in some ways, too. With the people he hired, an internal coup is far too likely for my comfort. I suppose paranoia is the wrong word for it, considering I know that it's entirely possible.

It all makes me wonder what I'm like in their eyes. Sometimes I ask myself if their loyal for my sake, or the company's, or for the money, or the thrill. There's rarely a moment when they're not on my mind in one way or another, even if I go against their recommendations, or if I'm concerned with dealings outside of their expertise.

My uncertainty comes in the question of mutualism. How often am I a concern of theirs? This is not insecurity so much as... well, perhaps this is paranoia. It's almost irrational to believe that they wouldn't care at all for my well-being, or that I might not be top priority at all times. I understand that they have lives away from me, but I also know that they're not much, and tend to involve each other anyhow.

I can trust them all with my life, and I do on a daily basis. I do my best to protect them as well as they do me... but this time around I've quite clearly failed. It was a fool's errand I had sent Tseng on. The Keystone was vital, but Reeve could have had Cait Sith retrieve it alone. Cait Sith is infinitely more expendable. Tseng was expendable not at all, and yet...

The others have been out of contact with me for a while too, and I wonder if I've sent them to their deaths as well. It won't take me that long to find out, if what they say about returning to the Lifestream is true though I doubt it is. You die, your brain stops functioning, there's nothing left. My mind is nothing but static arcing from cell to cell. I don't see how the alleged 'soul' of a person can be more, separate, transcendent. All that's left of a person after they die is a physical body, and whatever they accomplished in life.

What have I accomplished...? I'm not sure why this worries me, for when I'm dead I'll cease to care, but I know I've always been vain and I'm not the only one. I moved forward in this matter uncompromisingly. My resolve prevented most from questioning me at all, they all believed I knew what I was doing. In truth, I could only improvise. Thrust into the position prematurely, but not entirely unwillingly, green to everything that great power meant but not unpracticed. I did what was plain right in front of us, what _clearly_ needed to be done, and no one else seemed to realize this.

It feels like cheating. It's quite amusing like that.

Versing the Sapphire WEAPON had been a success, and the readings tell me that Diamond is gone as well, though it managed a final assault... In Junon things seemed strangely detached. The order to execute the Avalanche operatives, the close call with the WEAPON, it all feels distant now, as if at the time I'd been sitting back watching through my own eyes as some other Rufus Shinra commanded the situation but I had been completely in control of myself then.

When Sapphire reared before me, what was I thinking then? Well, what else could I possibly be thinking about except what to do to defeat it? In a moment of near-panic, I gave the order to fire the Sister Ray again, ready or not. I watched blankly as my order was carried out successfully, and thought nothing further of how close I'd been to death.

What about in this silent moment, what goes through my mind? Regrets? No, I regret nothing. I don't care, I'd do it all again.

Family? My family is nothing worth mentioning.

Friends...? The Turks are the closest thing I have. I do think of them more fondly than anything else in my life, but they are not my last thought.

I see a broken child holding the stem of the flower that had been in his lapel as his last friend was cast out. I see a young redhead lab tech casting glances at her boss' son, him turning away so she didn't know he was glancing too.

I see a body held in place on the oak desk with an impossibly long sword, and I feel the indifference. I see the day I died... now the rest of me will follow. This is not my dying thought, either, but it flashes through my mind to fill the terrible silent prelude.

The Diamond WEAPON's assault dances through the air, frozen in my sight, sheer power shining before me like destruction condensed into orbs each as bright as suns. I don't have time to muse on the beauty of it. That's another cliche.

The silence shatters in harmony with the windows and screams of steel, all thought gone from my mind. I have to shield myself, though I'm more fragile than the building that's being reduced to ashes in slow motion before my eyes... all at once it's upon me and it's too fast for my mind to register, so I react blindly. So despite what people think about death, despite all we believe and all that's happened to me, I think of nothing as I die, but for three exceptions...

This sound...

...this heat...

...this darkness.


End file.
